My oh my, it's really been a while since I've last posted. I swear this year flew by like a housecat blown from a cannon. We've landed in a different world now: Obama has won the election (proving once and for all my Mattel Magic 8-Ball is not all-knowing all-powerful), the face of the country has been frozen off by a record breaking artic winter, our floundering government has bailed out every floundering business in our floundering economy (but with good intentions!), and I have done the unthinkable: I graduated college. 

[insert robust, republican cackle]    

You know, the moment you finish college is an inexplicably odd moment. Before this moment had actually taken place, say for instance, knee deep in a biological anthropology exam spanning the past 4.4 million years of hominoid and prehominoid evolution, or say, a geology exam covering inorganic naturally occurring consolidated materials (rocks) such as bauxite, dolomite, fluorite, pyrite, and/or vesicular metamorphic andesite, or say, an eight page British Lit test demanding I recall absurd and trivial facts buried deep inside hundreds of pages of monotonous, mind-numbing text, I had predicted I would strip down naked and frollick through the streets of Fayetteville with out of control, unashamed glee when it was all said and done with.

But I didn’t.

Of course, don’t get me wrong; I did experience redeeming liberation: within the first hour of being done, I anxiously constructed a fire pit in the parking lot of my apartment complex and doused one physics lab manual, 205 used note cards, 374 pages of spark notes, and one bottle of Tylenol with highly flammable Zippo lighter fluid. Then, with demon possessed eyes, I watched the remnants of college burn to ashes, evaporate into vapors in my surprisingly large makeshift fire that would eventually smoke out Floors 4-9 of the university parking garage that sits directly behind my apartment.* However, my prediction (running through the streets naked) was never fulfulled because something unexpected held me back. My relief had been tainted, my glee infected. You see, now the womb-like cocoon of college had collasped, and in my newly widened vision I could see the calloused, swinging hand of adulthood rapidly approach my fragile, pasty baby-skinned ass. Suddenly people were asking me, "Taylor, now that college is over, what’s next for you?" To which I would reply: "What? There’s a next?"

Alas, there is, indeed, a next, and worst of all, I must face it. I recall a time in my life--11 years old--when my dad took me out into the wildernesses of Northern California with the noble intentions of making me a man. Unbeknownst to me, his plans for the two night camping trip included more than just tents, hot dogs, and a hammock; no, he brought books along with him that diagramed male and female anatomy, the hormones of a teenager, and the treachous journey of adolescent puberty. That weekend I also received my first gun in life, a .22 rifle, a gift from my father handed down to me deep in the rugged mountains of manhood and masculinity. As my dad maneuvered the windy roads back to reality the next morning, I clutched my new gun tight to chest, thinking I had at last infiltrated the adult world.

Now, as a near 23 year old, I see the error I made more than a decade ago. Actually, I notice two errors: 1. Adulthood is not infiltrated; rather, it is recognized and then excerised. One must draw out their own diagrams. 2. The gift of a gun is nothing special in my family. Consider this: in the time Obama has been elected, both my mother and my father got a permant to carry a concealed weapon, they got me a .45 caliber pistol, my brother a bolt action rifle, and for Christmas, my mom brought my dad none other than a holster. How funny is that? Oh come on; it's funny. But break into our house and we make you a #2 pencil.

Anyway, I hope everyone's up and coming year goes well. I know I have high hopes; my 2009 New Year's Resolution? To begin last year's. Peace. tzh

*Don’t worry; I was safe about it. My friend and I made sure to extinguish the flames, eventually, with piss.

Currently Listening Chulahoma By The Black Keys see related

IT'S A GOOD DAY TO BE ALIVE!

(but i only say that because i just escaped the evil clutches of German)

(i always seem to experience one of those "life highs" right after that class.)

well, this week is my first week back in class. more importantly, it marks the last "first week back in class" ever to happen in my life. and as i read and re-read that last sentence, i douse myself in relief and let unadulterated happiness engulf the far reaches of my body. what's that burning smell, you ask? burning is the burden of bullshit papers and bullying teachers and bloody bouts with books i didn't wanna read in the first place lifting like smoke into the air, the atmosphere, the deep arcana of the universe never to be seen again for eternity, forever, for many lifetimes to come, for hopefully even longer than that. goodness gracious mother mary, i cannot wait to see the day i am done!!!

but for now, this week is my first week back in class. (right as i typed that, the Black Keys' song slowed down too. it was like we were groovin together.) it all kicked off with Shakespeare; i think i'm going to enjoy that class a lot. i've always wanted to appreciate Shakespeare as he deserves to be appreciated, but until this class, i didn't know how to do it. hell, i still don't truthfully, but this class will put an end to that nonsense i believe. secondly, i went to german. that's right, after more than two years of strictly speaking english, this is my first semester back in german. i think i can pass it alright as long as i don't stick my foot in my mouth during class. in class is when i'm vunerable. exposed. naked. dangerous.

Ich weise, ich weise; ich bin nicht so gut.

monday night i had derek and ally over. we watched two movies back to back. last night ally and i watched our favorite two hour show, America's Got Talent on nbc at 8/7c. tonight, ally and i will be watching the two hour continuation of our favorite show, America's Got Talent on nbc at 8/7c. i highly recommend it. i mean come on, the world's largest talent show, a million bucks, 10 acts per show, the Hoff as a judge and Jerry Springer as Ryan Seacrest? i mean how do you beat that??

okay, maybe by meeting an estranged mother or father for the first time ever. i could see that.

BUT STILL. tzh

The Failures of Modern Technology

since my rickety old apartment complex sits literally back to back with a $130 million dollar monstrosity of a parking deck, i seriously live, sleep, and breathe to the sound of car alarms. any given piece of my daily routine becomes subject to the bells and whistles of auto antitheft justice, although i don't begin to know what's causing the alarms to go off in the first place. if it's actually some guy trying to break into all of these cars, then he's quite the worker! he's gotta work 24 hours a day 7 days a week to be doin the things i'm hearin him doin. but considering no criminal anywhere has this magnitude of work ethic (well other than the Clintons), i think it's safe to assume the cars are sounding their alarms for no particular reason at all. the failure, my friends, is all on modern technology's shoulders, pure and simple.

but if we're indulging in the failures of modern day technology, something i hate worse than waking up to, say, a 1998 Honda Civic hatchback (you begin to know after a little while), is being stopped at a red light when NO ONE is within a half mile radius of the intersection. it's just you there, alone, sitting like some trained monkey, waiting patiently for the light to flash green to go, green to go, come on come on, green to go! but no; the light continues to taunt you mockingly, holding its red light like a poker player holds a royal flush. it knows it has you; it knows it's wearing the pants in the situation, and it definitely knows you can't reach it to pull them off either. and so you sit there, and if you're anything like me, you eventually start to curse the inconsistencies of modern technology. it's freaking 2008--we've put a man on the moon, we've built an 80 story building that rotates, we've dug a hole 7.62 miles deep and we've gone almost 36,000 feet underwater--why the hell am i sitting at a traffic light that doesn't understand when it needs to change color? i mean seriously; this is a problem. it's time we wake up and start developing better technology in the areas where it's actually beneficial to the working man, the common man, the every man, me. it's time traffic lights wipe that smug little smirk off their face and start changing color when they need to change color, or damn it, i'm gonna go get a ladder.

tzh, just getting some things off my chest

Currently Listening Chulahoma By The Black Keys see related

considering today marks the day i become the oldest i've ever been, i figured i should celebrate by writing a post. i know, i know; my celebrations are lame. but cheap; you and i can't deny that. regardless,

two days ago i rearranged the furniture in my living room in a vain attempt to kill the mundanous of life. i moved the couch over a few feet and rotated the basket chair to the other side of the room. my melancholy of mediocrity was immediately mutated into mutual bliss for both Ally and I alike, though unfortunately, our bliss has subsided somewhat recently. but no worries; be happy.

i shall now exit to go play guitar on my side porch (ahh, it's good to live in the trees). duece  

(1 hour later)...well, i just got back from tearing our "LOST FERRET" signs down. WE GOT HER BACK! a cop passing by saw our signs and took the liberty to call the animal shelter. daisy had been there since sunday (meaning she was alone in the wilderness for more than 48 hours) (a new record for her rugged ass). ally had called them a few times before but their line had always been busy. nevertheless, they called us today and said they had her, so we immediately picked her up and now she's back home with the family.  answered prayer!

The Monster I Have Become

They say admitting the problem is half the battle, so it here goes:

i'm one of those people you see spending money on nature cds to fall asleep to. my collection has swelled to five cds in fact; my favorite of course still being the "Subtle Sounds of the Washington Coast." however, my others shall not be overlooked, for they too have mysterious hypnotical powers that i nor leading scientists dare to explain. the latest jewel to be added to the collection is actually the Amazon Jungle at Dawn; it (admittedly) gets a little wild at moments, well with the howler monkeys and all, but overall the Amazon Jungle at dawn can be very soothing to sleep to, i must say. and though i have yet to purchase the Amazon Jungle at Mid-Afternoon and the Amazon Jungle Fifteen Minutes Past Dusk, i hear both are well worth the investment. also, for the past few months i've been thinking about burning a compilation cd that includes sound clips from all seven continents, and that way i can smugly tell my friends that i sleep to the entire world every night. unfortunately, this idea hasn't taken its rightful course yet, but could you imagine how adventurous my dreams would freakin be? i mean, wow.

now, occasionally, if i'm really tossing and turning in bed (or maybe just feelin a little kinky!), i cue up the bad ass of my collection: "Natural Sleep Inducement: A Guided Meditation." GOOD GOD! this thing starts off with this extremely slow, extremely wistful piano tune that oozes its way into the blankets with you and gently, warmly, carefully, caresses the bottom of your ear drums back and forth, note by...note, lifting yo..u...up.... up... in.to ..Pamela Anderson's beautiful.. busty...boss.o..m.. AND THEN BAM! a woman's voice comes out of nowhere and demands that you start doing things. "Relax this. Relax that. Breathe in. Hold...Hold...And out." now i'll be the first to admit, being subordinated into sleep feels a little weird at first; it definitely takes some getting used to. in fact i was originally displeased at its purchase, but after dedicating a solid amount of time to it, i have really grown to appreciate its remarkable ability to make me existentially at one with my soul, my sheets, my bed, and if it's been a long day, sometimes even the outer exterior of my apartment complex. Marlaina--sorry, i mean--"the unknown woman's voice"-- becomes very helpful and soothing for the whole letting go process and i must say, there are some nights when she's the only girl i really wanna listen to at all.

(i should take this moment and mention the magnanimity of my love for ally.)

to be honest, buying these sorts of cds didn't make me downright ashamed of myself until a few nights ago. and this of course gets back to the problem i need to fess up to. you see, i was laying in bed desperately trying to fall asleep, but i was confronted with this unwavering but unsolvable dilemma barring me from any progress. right outside my bedroom window rooted and rose a thrashing thunderstorm that seemed to swallow the sky as it expanded its newly given breath. it was one of those warm july cyclones that creep up fast with thick arkansas blood pulsating through its thunderheads like adrenaline. all of fayetteville soon disappeared from the stars, hidden beneath the storm's widening foilage while underneath its curious but poisonous white needles pricked at the dark peaks of the ozark mountains. and there i laid, tossing and turning and growing equally as furious because i couldn't hear my damn nature cd over the stupid storm outside! I HAD EVEN PRACTICED sleeping to storms before (my second purchase ever was "Soothing Storms of the Rain Forrest"), but this wasn't the same, not the same at all! i'd been so used to being able to control the volume of nature that a real storm was, and for the first time ever, a problem to go to sleep to. and suddenly, in a sincere moment of personal realization, i felt ashamed of myself. what kind of perverted monster had i become? who the hell was i anymore? all this time i thought i was becoming a professional at nature, but instead i had turned into a person who prefers a digitally remastered recording of nature rather than its real and raw unedited version. wow! i just feel so disconnected from my ancestors right now. please, excuse me while i go outside and rub wet soil all over my naked body parts.

you know, only in an extremely advanced capitalistic society could a person experience this problem; you realize this yes? tzh